“Women should learn cooking because it's their main job”
For some people this quote might seem like a normal universal truth. For some people it will feel like an insulting stereotype. For me, cooking seemed interesting for a handful of reasons. Knowing how to cook gives a sense of independence. It's like crafting. A different kind of art where we don't need brush or colors or not even any kind of paper. It often gets mixed with care and sentiment. Well, it might seem like I'm a skilled cook or something. The only thing I can do with fire is boiling water. Don't think about it twice, it's not ironic.
When I was thinking all about those and having random reverie sessions, I heard my mom calling. When I got down with a rush, my mom was already standing near the stairs. She looked really upset and I might know the reason why.
“Come closer,” she said.
I know what's waiting for me, but I listened to her commands anyway. When I got closer, she immediately landed a slap on my face. She firmly grabbed my both shoulders and directly looked at my eyes.
“You're a disgrace. Don't you have shame? You're almost 18 but you don't know how to cook. Now when I'm trying fully to make your life better by teaching things, you're skipping your lessons and wandering like a dog without a leash.”
Her words were piercing and while standing and pretending to listen, I was staring at the damask patterned mat. I'm not angry at anyone but society. I really hated when people acted like my future is doomed when I said I don't like cooking or don't want to take the role of a caretaker. The world might be healing but considering I live in a countryside village, it's hard to deal with it. The more they try to force me against my will, the more rigid I want to become.
I returned to my room without another question. I know she is going to make me starve for the night to punish me or keep me in line. I silently came back and climbed up on my bed. My room is pretty small. A study desk and a bed and also a small wardrobe is present. Dad chose this room for me because I always liked solitude and a window to activate my inner thinker. Well, he was pretty selfish. How can he leave me here in all of that mess and join the stars?
I stared at the moon through the window. A sudden chilly wind touched my skin. I shivered from the subtle thrill. I tried to become much more bold. Maybe the air was hinting me to do this. I don't care no matter what's the case or whose idea it is, I will always be the one who'll get blamed. Simply because I'm a woman.
I stood on tiptoes and walked out of my room while being vigilant. I went down silently and while unlocking the door my hand was shaking slightly. I slid the door and came out of the house quietly. The air was slight but enough to give me chills. I don't know if it is because I did something against the rules or the weather itself is down. I couldn't figure it out. I'm still wearing my nightgown. It feels taboo, it feels weird. Still, I feel like the quiet breeze, the trees, mist hidden in the corner of trees are cheering me and congratulating me for doing something brave.
I took a night walk alone. The light source is minimum. Just a few old lampposts barely holding their lives. When I pass through every single lamppost, I feel like they're calling me to stand by a little. They want to tell me their whole story. They want me to tell them how much they've seen. They want to show me the entire history and they want me to be free.
Finally, I'm near the riverbank. The moon's reflection on crystal white water creates some silver dancing sparkle. I crouched on the ground. My hand reached for the liquid crystal with moon dust mixed on it. The water is cold. It feels soothing. I closed my eyes to feel everything. Everyone is calling me, the moon, the stars, the shimmering beauty. They want me to break the chain.
I suddenly opened my eyes and got up. Wiped my wet hand by the corner of my nightgown. I started running toward home. I feel haunted and terribly lost. That's why some birds don't fly away even when the cage is open. I silently returned home. I don't know what wave is blowing inside me. It makes me feel suffocated. I wonder if I want to get rid of it or chase it? I throw my body on the bed and get lost in sleep.
The next morning, my mom woke me up. My stomach is burning due to emptiness. Maybe her mind got soft. She called me to have my breakfast. She quickly urged me to join cooking classes. She warned me to stop skipping those. I was silent and processing her words. She was venting how she's ashamed to get a disobedient and ungrateful daughter like me. She gave me an example of how other women listen to their parents with zero complaints and disobedience.
She made me hate myself by saying I shouldn't have a choice. Only sluts do whatever they want. Only sluts and selfish women follow their mind with no consideration for society. My mom's words were indeed piercing. Like an acute and sharp needle. It's enough to wound me but not enough to break me.
There's no way I'm joining cooking classes. Learning cooking is something I have wanted since childhood. I still love it. I hate it when they force me to learn it so I have to serve a man. It's insulting, I find it really insulting. So I deliberately chose the opposite path and started walking silently.
It's a countryside area. Although I wanted to continue studying, for that I needed to go out of my hometown and adapt myself to the environment of the city. It's not that complicated. I believe I can. My mom thought I'm a girl. I'm a weak and fragile creature. If in a new city people try to exploit me, who would save me? Ironic because I feel like my society will exploit me more than any drunk man could.
While I was lost in thousands of words, suddenly someone called me from behind.
“Luna, come here!”
I looked behind and it was Samantha. I smiled and waved at her. She had a bag in her hand and seemed happy. I've known her since childhood. She was younger than me and a bright child. In school, she was intelligent and always smart. What is she actually happy about?
She came to me and said “So what's going on? Where are you going?”
“Just a small walk,” I replied.
She seemed confused. “Did your mom allow you to wander around for no reason?”
“Why do I need mom to know when I'm just simply passing time?” I replied like it's normal and nothing.
She seemed unprepared for my answer and forced herself to smile.
“Oh, I want to give something to you,” she said and started finding something from her bag. It was a sealed handwritten letter. I took it and she kissed my cheeks and said “I hope you and your mom will come.”
When I opened the letter, it was a wedding invitation. She's getting married and she's happy about it. I felt guilty. Why do I feel bad about her when she's happy? She is young, maybe she's drowning in hundreds of fantasies. I hate the way parents used to tell us stupid fairy tales when we were kids. Maybe I'm being bitter or maybe it's because I'm a bad daughter and a bad woman. I still tried to figure it out.
I'm back at the riverbank again. I'm still terrified. The thoughts I was getting were unusual. Maybe I shouldn't think about it. It's complicated to describe. There's a big tree near the riverbank. I didn't notice it yesterday due to darkness. I suspect this tree is also an accomplishment of the moon and stars who provoked a sense of ambivalence within me.
Suddenly my intuition told me someone is behind me and standing there still. I got afraid and immediately turned my head. It was an old woman who was wearing some worn out clothes. Her shoes were barely usable and she was using a raw wooden stick to walk and use it as support. I heard about her from the villagers. She was a lonely woman and this is not her hometown either. Nobody knows where she came from. She hates unnecessary talk and never shares anything.
I felt kinda uncomfortable beside her. I quickly got up and was about to leave. Maybe she sensed my inner feeling and suddenly said “You can stay here if you want. You don't need to feel uncomfortable. I'm just a regular here.”
It's true that I didn't want to leave. It's the only area where people come less. The more people you meet, the more intoxicated you become. Staying with a lady is a better choice than that.
I silently stood near the riverbank. She was also standing there quietly. After a few moments, she was the one who broke the silence.
“Young lady, don't mind but isn't it unusual you're here like that?” she said.
I was expecting something like that and it's valid.
“I just want some peace.”
“Why is this quietness peaceful instead of being surrounded by girls and family?”
“Maybe because they raise a feeling inside me that I hate.”
“What is it?”
I didn't want to reply because the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel. I wanted to get rid of it. She's lonely and old. Maybe sharing won't hurt, right?
I gathered all of my courage and started speaking. I hope I won't stutter.
“Actually they make me feel weird. I don't know what it is. A mix of rage, sadness, a feeling like giving up, a feeling which gives me hope. I don't know what it is.”
I realized I'm nervous. A weird force tried to grab my neck and make my words stop flowing. I looked into her eyes. She was smiling subtly and there was an unfamiliar look in her eyes. It was so foreign that I failed to recognize it.
“I know what it is. Do you want to find out?” she finally replied.
I was fidgeting and eager to know the answer.
I asked, "What do you know?"
She started talking.
“When I was younger I was like you. A young girl with hopes. I was pretty and well known due to my beauty. I couldn't study much. My family thought I could easily get a groom so all they did was teach me how to be gentle and caring. I wanted to be free and I wanted to live truly. I thought I shouldn't go against the flow. Instead of resisting or running away, I chose to confront it and do what everyone wants. I married a man and promised to not be greedy. My mother taught me that a woman who prioritizes herself more than anyone is selfish. Women are meant to sacrifice. No matter how big or small the sacrifice.
I was like a rock. Where they put me, how they made me, I'm always like that. Consistent and predictable. I lacked warmth. I tried to break free. It was too late. Too late to consider and too late to go back. The one who was supposed to be my other half was the biggest piece of burden that compressed my chest. I felt heavy. I realized no matter how physically strong a man is, if he lets his ego devour him, he becomes more pathetic than a mouse.”
She stopped to let out a breath and looked down. I was listening to her like a possessed person. I had a feeling that I'm realizing something, realizing my desires. Quiet respect grew inside me for her.
Then she continued.
“Then I left him. I just wanted to be free. I left my daughter with him. I'm still conflicted whether it is a selfish decision or a good one. Maybe selfish one. She would face a life like me. I thought I didn't have any future and she would get doomed. That's why I said goodbye quietly.”
I saw teardrops near her tired and senile eyes.
I said, "Don't cry. We all make selfish decisions either consciously or subconsciously. Maybe some are conflicting like yours. It all depends on the lens you use to see the world. Being a little selfish won't hurt, right? After all, I'm a woman. Is it really easy for us to choose something that is uncomfortable?”
She silently wiped her tears.
“No matter what, you can't live a life regret free. No matter what you choose. Go against them, they'll try to make you feel guilty and fill your life with rue. Go along with them and your mind will condemn you.”
Even not fully but partially, I understood what she meant. She started running her fingers through my hair and said while looking at my eyes.
“You reminded me of my little daughter. Please choose whatever you want. I want to ease my burden by seeing you happy.”
She left slowly after that and left me conflicted and desperate.
I started walking past the riverbank. Walking and walking, I noticed some men give me weird looks while I'm stepping forward. I arrived at the plain field. All I can see is grass and a rail line. Maybe if I walk 30 minutes more I can reach the train station. I saw a train passing by. I stared at it until it disappeared.
I'm willing to go forward. I want to see the world. I want to fly in the open sky and play with clouds. I considered again, should I take one step forward?
Little by little, an unknown fear and hesitation took over me. I couldn't go further and eventually decided to return to the riverside or go back home. So I turned back and started walking first.
Even though my plan was to sit by the riverbank or go home, I decided something that shocked me. I went straight into Madam William’s house to take my cooking lessons. It's not against my will. I'm confident now. I won't back away just because I'm afraid of a leash. Even if I get tied to a leash, I will tear it apart.
So today was my first cooking lesson. It was fun, and I've never enjoyed something in a while. When I told her I really joined it today, she did not believe me at all. So I went to the kitchen and cooked what I learned today and shocked her. She was happy and gifted me a bracelet.
“I hope you will keep it. I bought this bracelet from a shop and I saved money willingly to buy it when I was a teenager. Good old days,” she said while pinching my cheeks softly.
I felt guilty for some unknown reason. Again, clouds of confusing thoughts started occupying my mind. I softly said, "love you mom," and hugged her to distract myself.
I returned home and started checking the bracelet very willingly. It's her nostalgic anchor that she gave me. She doesn't have many things from her childhood. I put that in my bag with care.
Then I remembered I have to attend Samantha's wedding tomorrow. So I grabbed the letter quickly and went to show my mom. She was doing the dishes.
“Mom, Samantha invited us to her wedding. We shall attend it.”
“I heard about her wedding. Her father found a good gentleman and she willingly agreed. I also heard she willingly learned all of that feminine stuff and work,” my mother said.
“Mom, does work have gender?” A question slipped from my mouth and it was ready to collide with her words.
Her face darkened and she frowned at me. She didn't reply and started mumbling. It was so vague that I couldn't hear what she was saying.
I returned to my room wondering if I crossed the line or not. I was afraid to go in front of her for now. So I decided to sleep.
I'm too afraid of the future.
The next morning my mom woke me up at dawn. She seemed normal and sleep took away her anger from last night. I was relieved. She told me to join the cooking classes early so I can attend the wedding. I did as she told me. I quickly got ready and arrived at Madam William's house. She was teaching some younger girls at that time. When she saw me her eyes brightened up and she called me.
“Oh Luna, you're early today. Come and sit.”
I sat on the floor where other girls were cutting vegetables. “I came here to take lessons early,” I said.
“No problem. I was just starting with my girls. You should start by cutting vegetables.”
“Okay madam,” I agreed.
While cutting vegetables I observed the girl who was also cutting vegetables with me. She seemed like someone who just stepped into sweet teenagehood.
I asked, "What's your name?"
She replied while keeping sharp focus on her work. “Jane. What about you?”
“Luna,” I replied, and I asked, “do you also love cooking like me?”
She looked at me once and again focused on her work. “No, my mom sent me here. It's so boring and I hate when I have to touch uncooked meat or fish.”
“So what do you like?” I tried to make the conversation flow smoothly.
“My father is a merchant. I want to be like him too.”
When I was listening to her, another girl interrupted us and started laughing.
“That's so unusual and ridiculous,” the girl said while laughing.
I looked at Jane and she was still doing her work but she kept her head unusually down. I couldn't see her face but I knew I would see two teary eyes. I felt guilty for asking it. I really do not know my limit. I kept my mouth shut until the class was finished.
After finishing work I returned home. When I got home I saw my mom was doing her makeup and she was almost finished. She looked at me and said excitedly “Luna come here. Look, I brought a shimmering light blue dress for you.”
I touched the gown and the color was muted and the details were also deliberate. I really loved it. I grabbed it and immediately went to my room to change. I felt like a fairy tale princess after wearing it. Like the dreams and beautiful sparklers I kept in my heart descended into the details.
I went down to show my mom. She hugged me and kissed my cheeks. Muted and soft pink lipstick and eyeshadow that matches my dress. All of these made me feel like a princess. Suddenly my inner growling ocean calmed down a bit.
We arrived at Samantha's wedding at noon. It was already filled with people and the whole venue was decorated with flowers. I saw Samantha laughing. Her happiness made my heart light. She expressed how happy she is today. I wished her the best life. The happiness I saw in her eyes was pure. I wondered why. She is young and cheerful. What's so good and fun when you're ultimately ending up in prison? Maybe the definition of cage or prison is different and varies for everyone. Maybe the life I think is hell is somebody's heaven. I don't want to think about it.
While I was having fun with her I noticed my mother was talking to some strangers. There was a young man beside her and an old couple. The man was looking at me. He was definitely older than me. When our eyes met he immediately looked away. I couldn't figure anything out.
After the event was over I waved my last goodbye at Samantha. When my mom and I were returning home it was already late at night. She seemed happy but I couldn't figure out why. She was vague about the reason. I suspected that was related to that old couple. I avoided asking her because I was pretty sure she would ignore the question anyway.
The next two weeks passed normally. I saw the things I always used to see. Nothing was exciting except those fun cooking classes at Madam William's house. The odd thing I noticed suddenly was that Jane started loving cooking and always talking to others about how fun cooking and cutting fish is. Maybe I could figure out why, but I always talked less there. I don't know why the fear of saying wrong things is tangling with me day by day.
One day after waking up I got ready and was about to leave for the cooking class. When I was about to get down I saw that old couple at the house and they were chatting with mom. I immediately returned to my room. My heart was beating and I sensed something bad was about to happen. They stayed there for hours and when they left my mother came into my room. She held my hand and sat on the bed. Her words pierced my heart.
“Luna, I know you'll resist this. You've grown up and you need somebody to hold your hand. That's why I've decided to find you someone. Mr and Mrs Brown's only son Josh Brown. He's an educated and wealthy guy. They're looking for someone who can take care of the family and also be timid. You're like that, right? I hope you won't hate me. The wedding is next week. I know it's sudden but they're in a hurry. It's final. I know you can make it.”
Her words pierced my heart and I started shaking. I barely managed to prevent myself from screaming my lungs out. I just looked at her. Then she left. She did not ask for my opinion. I know it does not matter anyway to them.
I can't stop my tears from overflowing. I cried out silently. My heart wants some escape. My mind wants some clarity. It's disappointing that I could find none. She loved me. Not the way I wanted but still she loved me. I don't want to hurt her. Should I do it or should I be selfish?
I silently got out of my house like I did that day. I was walking with a blank and desperate heart which was looking for water. I arrived at the riverbank. The first thing I did after arriving was to name the area. I named it the riverbank of confusion. That suits the area best.
Again I crouched down and looked at the water. The moon isn't enlightening the water with its silver aura. The reflection of the dark cloud above the sky is hiding the sparkling nature of the water and killing all the shimmer. The cloud surrounded the moon. Now the moon is in a cage. Unable to shine.
I touched the water and it was cold as usual. I closed my eyes and remembered the old woman. Her senile eyes still had hope and a strong desire. My mind can't find a path. She told me to be selfish. She said we can't live without regret and unspoken desires. So what kind of rue do I want to live with?
I opened my eyes and looked at the sky. I could barely see any star. Suddenly my pupils dilated. I saw a shooting star. It was beautiful. I closed my eyes again and wished that I could find a less confusing path.
I cried for an hour and returned home soundlessly. The next two days I functioned barely and was always looking for a way to escape.
Another night came and I went to the riverbank again. Today I gathered courage and tried to walk past the riverbank. There's only one lamppost and darkness everywhere. One step, two steps, three steps. My heart was beating but the more steps I was taking the less afraid I was getting. Suddenly I felt really light in my chest.
I decided to take a sudden decision. From childhood I always wanted to be an independent woman. I don't know what a normal woman would choose when she can't either walk forever or she has to walk in broken glass for a long time. I don't want to know anyway. I choose the second path. I don't want to be a lame person. I can heal.
I have already decided what I will do.
I went back home. The first thing I did was to enter my mom's room secretly. She's sleeping. She's the evil mom I always loved and will always love no matter what. Distance doesn't erase love. I softly landed a kiss on her cheeks. My eyes were watery.
I took a pen and paper and wrote a note.
“SORRY FOR BEING SELFISH.”
I went upstairs and grabbed a bag and started packing. I didn't forget to take the bracelet she gave me. I grabbed all the money I've saved and silently left the home again. While passing the door I swore I would come back and heal her.
I waited near the riverbank until dusk. When I saw an orange ray I started walking and reached the train station. I don't know if I didn't ease the burden or load more for her. If I resisted nothing would have changed. She would have gotten the tag of a bad mother. So I don't have any regrets by becoming the bad daughter. We have one life. Would it be a crime if I chased my dreams and chased the white dove?
The dark cloud is leaving slowly. Birds are chirping. I finally arrived at the train station and booked a seat for the nearest city.
The train is running. Time feels endless. The feeling is bittersweet. It's so strange that it's easy to breathe. My chest feels light and my hands feel free. I take out the bracelet that my mom gave me and wear it and kiss it softly.
I'm nervous not because I'm afraid but because I'm free to chase. I feel like a rule breaker. That's what I am: a rule breaker and perceived witch of the society I grew up in.
I smiled and looked outside. My eyes were filled with white clouds. You could see thousands of stars there. I bet you couldn't finish counting. Yes that's how a rule breaker's eyes are.