Rue

Latest posts from Rue

• The shadow

  Jan 21 ⎯   It was a new moon night. The night was unbearably silent. The sound of wind passing sounded like a cold whisper. I was in my room. It was black, and no light source was present except for one single candle. I was breathing fine, yet I felt breathless. My legs were shaking, and my mind was telling me I would lose control at any moment. While I was fighting with some invisible demon, I faintly noticed a shadow outside my window. I was struggling with myself and couldn't focus on the figure properly. I gasped and passed out. When I woke up, it was already morning. The sun was yellow and warm. A spark of sunray fell on my face. My head was dizzy. I couldn't even think about what had happened yesterday. My memories acted like distant fog. I woke up and went outside. The neighborhood was quite empty. None lived there except some senile seniors. It was one of the underprivileged areas. I had ended up there because it was my grandparents' house. They passed away when I was 14. I vaguely remembered all of that. I also remembered that I had no other close person in the world. My beloved son, wife, and daughter had left me in a car accident. They had left me in silent agony. I closed my eyes and started walking. I saw that Mr. John was watering his vegetable garden. He smiled at me. That was the best part of this neighborhood. They made me feel like everyone was my family. I smiled at him back and started walking quietly. The whole neighborhood seemed dead. I saw Ms. Rachel's personal nurse passing by. After walking a while without any destination, I saw something near the park. A black dog was barking near a small bush. I got curious about what this little buddy had found and got closer. I heard a faint and timid sound. When I looked closely at the bush, it was a kitten. By instinct, I drove the dog away. The cat was still afraid and timid, unsure whether it would stay in the bush or do something brave like coming out. I gently tried to approach it. It was still unsure and meowed at me in a scared way. I couldn't believe how devoted I was to making the cat feel at ease around me. I was there for literally an hour. Finally, the little kitten came out of the bush, and I gently grabbed him. He had hazel eyes. The marble-like eyes and soft ginger fur made him look ordinary yet majestic. I took him home and gave him a sweet shower. We were strangers, but he was quite an obedient little boy. After a simple meal, he was sleeping so peacefully that it made me yawn. I didn't realize when I drifted off. When I woke up, it was already night. I was still sleepy. I had forgotten to take my meds, and after taking them, I went back to my room. Because I didn't have any electricity, the whole room was dark. Suddenly, I tripped over something and fell face down. A groan slipped from my mouth. I gradually got up. I sensed something different. My head felt light, and the night felt familiar. It was so familiar that I panicked. While gasping, I started fumbling around in the dark for the candle. I usually kept the candle and the lighter in the same spot. It made everything worse. I started stumbling and seeing weird patterns in my eyes. I heard a vague sound near the window. Again, the gasping and panic got worse. I started staggering while moving forward. When I got near the window, my eyes were about to pop out. I saw the weird shadow again. So I decided to deal with this.I started walking toward the door. You couldn't call it a walk when my steps were clumsy and embarrassing. I grabbed a dagger from the table. I barely opened the door. The shadow was suspiciously calm. I cried out and started running toward it aggressively. It's embarrassing to admit that I tripped on a stone. I grunted and started twitching in pain. I was so focused on myself that I didn't notice it was really close to me. The shadow crouched down near me and was watching me in a calm manner. It was so close that I froze for a moment. Adrenaline flowed aggressively inside me. I groped in the dark grassy ground to find the dagger. What was the point of being physically strong when these weird things kept happening to me? My body was weak and shaky. The shadow grabbed my hand and suddenly yanked me up. I was still shaky, and she grabbed my waist, wrapped my left hand around her neck, and started walking. She took me inside my house and almost pushed me onto the couch. When I barely managed to look in a stable manner, I noticed she had already lit a candle. In the faint light, I could see the shadow of a girl. No wonder when I touched her neck, it felt gentle, and when her body was against mine, it was smooth and slender. I started muttering some nonsense words. She suddenly sat close to me. She was holding a glass of water. She poured water on my head, and I could hear her voice. It's strange that it felt like the voice was coming from inside my head. She said two words: “WAKE UP. WAKE UP.” I didn't know what had happened in the middle of all of this, but my senses returned when I felt something on my chest. I carefully opened my eyes, and it was the kitten. He was chilling and looking at me while sitting on my chest. I gently put him down. I needed a quick shower because of the unpleasant odor of sweat. It was present to remind me of all the messes I had gone through last night. I couldn't focus. The girl seemed young. Maybe 26, or maybe 28. Her voice was soothing. Why was she there in the middle of the night? All I could remember about her was her wavy long hair, soft voice, and obviously her touch. She reminded me of Fiona, my wife, for some weird reason. I went outside for two reasons: I had to find the girl and buy some groceries. She was maybe new there or had moved there recently. It was hard to believe someone from outside would come and wander there randomly. Did she know me? Why was she so calm and staring at me through the window? Her presence made me feel restless and anxious. I decided to look for her first. I even asked Mr. Bob, Ms. Marina, Ms. Katherine, and Ms. Elena. They were confused. I even peeked in random windows for some clues. All I got were weird looks from people around me. I was quite disappointed. I brought some groceries and returned home. The cat was sharply focused on a little mouse. He looked like a hunter on a hunting spree. He jumped straight, but the target was smart and agile. The little mouse outsmarted him. I smiled at his failure. He needed food and training. I relaxed on the couch after giving him some food. I had nothing to do for now. It had been a year since I had quit my job. I had tried to continue it and barely survived seven months. So it had been approximately one year and seven months since they had left me. I am barely coping nowadays. Although I needed a doctor to help me, I needed to minimize the trauma and despair. He visited me once a month. Now, to get some little quick pennies, I often tried to sell my drawings. I had made plenty of them, sometimes about love, sometimes about disgust. The silent and intense nostalgia tried to strangle me. I grabbed a book and tried to concentrate. My day was going to pass like that. After reading for hours, I got bored and made dinner for both of us. I watched my new pet restlessly playing around the house. It was true that he made the house feel alive a little. The night came, and I ignited my only light source. Again, the whole world got quiet. Ginger's hazel eyes were glowing in the dark. He was also quiet. I took my meds to calm my nerves. The kitten quietly climbed onto the chair and sat on my lap. I ran my fingers softly through his fur. We both fell asleep. I felt a warm breath near my ear. Someone was calling me. “Mr. Brown, wake up. It's me.” I didn't want to wake up. I muttered, “Go away.” “It's me fi—” “Fiona.” I abruptly opened my eyes and scanned the whole room. She was here. She had broken into my house. “Who are you?” I said harshly. “Why are you acting like this, Mr.?” “I asked you first.” “Talk to me nicely if you want to know,” she demanded calmly. I tried to calm down and stand up. I was feeling a lot better than yesterday. I noticed my cat was gone. I wasn't in the mood to find him. I needed to know why she kept coming to me every night. I asked her nicely, “Tell me about yourself.” She softly grabbed my wrist and looked directly into my eyes. Her features were soft and delicate. She had round eyes and an oval face, just like Fiona. “My name is Fiora.” “Fiona?” “No, Fiora. Ends with ra,” she corrected me. I knew I was being delusional. I was far away from Fiona. She couldn't be here. She grabbed my hand and took me out of the house. We were together under the sky. “Let's sit,” she said. We sat on the open field where the grass turned into something ethereal when the moon blessed it with moonlight. Another thing that looked surreal and exotic under the moonlight was Fiora’s eyes. So fierce and piercing. I could tell I wasn't attracted to her in a romantic sense. I could tell something about her was devastating and magnetic, like an addiction you can't quit. “Do you not really remember me?” she asked in a poor voice.  “I mean I really don't,” I answered hesitantly. It made me feel guilty.  “Well, I was always with Fiona. I used to play with her. I used to tease you too. Don't you really remember?”  I stayed silent. I had nothing to answer.  “Okay, I know what you've been through and how hard it was. I'm really sorry that the lie kept you this broken.” She paused and looked at me to observe my reaction. I was puzzled by her words.  “What do you mean by lie?” I asked curiously.  “You know what… what they said to you was deceiving. Do you still feel the warmth of Fiona? She was cold despite her warm wine-red hands. They deceived you. She couldn't betray you. Your family loved you. Don't you think they're not this selfish or cruel to give you this hard hellish torment?” Her words were still vague and cryptic, but I couldn't help but agree. I knew them well, and I knew they loved me as much as I did. So they couldn't be this selfish. I looked at her eyes and silently prompted her to continue.  “They are waiting for you. Don't listen to the ugly world. The world wants you to suffer. I'm here to tell you and say what they wanted to say. They want you. They're still here. They're so close that you couldn't imagine.” It was like finding a little piece of amber in a world of ash.  “Can you tell me more about them?” I asked, my gaze filled with unsure optimism.  “They are together and happy. Not quite, although. Without you, they can't be happy. Look at the sky. A moon and countless stars. The star has spark and passion. Look at the moon. It's also pretty. Do you realize the moon's calm and serene light is just deception? It's terribly lonely. Desolation is devouring it, and yet people think it's the symbol of romanticism. I believe if there were a second moon, it would be independent and alive.” I knew what she meant, and I was also irritated by her melodramatic and cryptic words. Still, I trusted her. She silently signaled me to return home. She told me to sit on my chair. I did as she said. She landed a kiss on my forehead. My vision narrowed. I watched her with my tunnel vision, and she faded away in the dark. The next morning, I discovered my cat was back on my lap. My sleep had been interrupted by a continuous doorbell. I checked the date. It was already January 20th. My therapist was visiting today. I prepared myself for some annoying and nagging questions. I hated him, but without him, my trauma would come back. I opened the door and politely welcomed him. After some small talk ritual, he started showing his real self, asking how I felt nowadays and if I missed my wife. I carefully answered with fully committed dishonesty. Then he wanted to check my meds so he could prescribe new ones. For the whole time, I felt like he was part of the deception. The world could lie, but Fiora never. So I avoided letting him know that my wife was fine. When he was checking my meds, he gave me a weird look. Without saying anything, he gave me new meds along with the old ones. After he left, I cursed him in my mind. I had wasted my time and energy. I went into the basement to find the trunk where I used to keep my old paintings. Ginger quietly followed me. When I opened the trunk, thousands of memories filled my mind. I grabbed a painting I was about to sell. I named it “Man in Distress.” I painted it during my worst month. I had been almost like a mentally unstable person. I didn't want to keep these memories anymore. I got ready and went outside to sell it. It took me five hours to sell a single painting. I went door to door, telling the thrilling backstory behind the painting. Maybe I was just an average bohemian. That's why it took so long to find a single client. The price he offered was average. I agreed without bargaining. When I returned home, my cat welcomed me with a warm body rub. He started playing and jumping around me. I played with him for a while. Now he was the only family member I had. I couldn't let him go at any cost. I made a sweet dinner for both of us. After having his meal, he went straight to my bed to sleep. He could use it. I slept either on a couch or on a chair anyway. Then it was time to take my meds. I found something unusual. If we combined the new ones, it would be a total of six different kinds of meds. I took only five and couldn't find the last one. It made me anxious. I believed it was one of the best meds. I felt light and relaxed after taking them. It was strange. I searched the whole room but couldn't find it. I was quite sure he took it. He was an evil person all along. I couldn't believe I had been taking those meds prescribed by him. Maybe it was the reason why my love was away from me. Maybe it was the reason why I felt silent despair even after months. Out of anger, I threw all of those meds outside the window. My mind told me to burn the whole world. The meds had been quite expensive. I would have to spend a good amount of money after this. I waited for Fiora. The night grew harsh and colder. I didn't see any shadow or hear any whisper. I was concerned why she wasn't coming. Anxiety grabbed my neck and twisted it. The whole night passed like that. It was only me and darkness. I watched the morning without sleep. My eyes were red and dry. I loved my cat, but that day was unusual. First, she didn't come, and second, my meds were gone. His voice seemed so annoying that I threw a lamppost out of anger. He successfully dodged it. I was ready to leave the house with some saved money. When I returned home, I was tired. Ginger wasn't there to welcome me. Was he still mad at me? For a quiet apology, I brought some catnip. I looked for him, but he was gone already. I didn't want to stress myself. I returned to my bedroom and took my meds. All my fatigue disappeared instantly. My anxiety was also gone. I went to the living room and sat on the chair, waiting. When I was climbing down the stairs, I saw the shadow again. I got really excited and almost ran down. Our eyes met, and she smiled instantly. We completed our usual ritual, and I vented for hours. I also expressed my worries about losing my cat. Fiora seemed aloof about it. “Well, you should stop worrying about a mere animal. It got afraid of you and is gone,” she commented.  I didn't like her opinion. What did she mean by a mere animal? Sometimes she acted weird. She left early that day. After she was gone, I searched the whole neighborhood late at night. I knew what I was doing was ridiculous. It was my fault that the kitten was gone. At last, I couldn't find him. I returned with lots of disappointment. She used to come every day. I saw her during the daytime too. She stayed at my house and told me lots of stories about my kids and my wife. I listened eagerly. I was worried about the cat. After a few days, I realized she was right. A mere animal meant nothing to me. My longing to see them grew stronger day by day. I also realized that without the extra meds prescribed by the satanic therapist, I felt happier. I didn't go outside much. It was like I was disconnected from the whole world. Now my life feels wrapped with honey wax. Just me and Fiora. It wasn't exactly Fiora that I liked, but her stories. Her words were mesmerizing. I always wanted to tell her to take me with her, to take me where my world existed. I wanted to hear Fiona laugh and Jack and Jessica giggle. I wanted this so badly. The Last Night of Desolation My intuition kept telling me that all day. It was May 4th. It was the night when they had left me. They played a cruel game of hide and seek. It wasn't their fault, I believed. It was 9 PM when I saw Fiora walk in. That day she didn't welcome me with a warm smile. She didn't hug me or take my hand. I sensed a change. Her eyes had a weird look that was foreign to me. So unsettling and strange. For the first time, I didn't want to be with her. I wanted the morning to come. What was the point if the morning came? It was all plain and underwhelming anyway. I felt trapped for the very first time. She would console me, and I was aware of it. She was good at doing it. “Brown, are you sick today?” She silently slipped her hand through my fingers.  “No, I'm not,” I replied dryly.  “I don't want to remind you of those bad memories. Do you remember what happened today years ago?” I closed my eyes, and all I saw was blood. An ocean of blood. I grabbed my collar tightly. A hand that was bathed with wine. A hand that gradually turned cold. Slowly and silently, I opened my eyes. She tightly grabbed my hand. Slowly, she came closer and put her head on my shoulder.  “Do you want to calm yourself down?” She slipped something into my hands. I took a look at the thing, and it was what I take every day.  “How do you know what I take?”  “I know everything about you. Did you forget?” I quickly took some pills, hoping it would help me calm down. The bottle of meds slid away quietly. I started venting randomly.  “Do you know how I spent my years? My friends are gone too. They are irritated by my behavior. They think I'm ruined. How can I pretend to be normal when I'm not? Is wanting to vent a crime? Is it too hard to listen? The world is too big. I met many people. I connected with many people. No matter how close they were, I didn't actually feel close. What's the point of living? Maybe the world abandoned me long ago. What can I do?” I said in a hopeless way. She consoled me.  “It's true the world abandoned you. I and Fiona never would. Listen, you have to go back. They are waiting for you. We will go back. Do you trust me?”  “Yes,” I said naively and without any second consideration. It was like a little child getting some candy. She hugged me tightly. For some weird reason, I couldn't feel her. Despite her presence, I felt truly alone and haunted. Then she let go of me. I waited for her to speak. She was like a silent sea. From the faint candlelight, I clearly saw that her eyes were soulless. She was blankly staring at the ceiling. When she looked at me, I knew what she wanted to say. I was excited. I got up and started walking while she stared at me. For the last time, I kissed her on the forehead. I was moving forward. Each step felt like going thousands of years ahead. The echo of my footsteps was too loud. I looked at her again. She was now grabbing the empty bottle of meth. Both of my life savers were now together. I laughed at my own humor in my mind. I saw ivy leaves dancing. Soft, green, and with the fragrance of hope. I was getting numb. In my tunnel vision, I watched the darkness go away. I heard Fiona laugh and the addicting sound of her heels. Click clack, click clack. I heard my beloved giggling. Yes, I saw them. I was running towards them, but it felt like I was floating. Red, pink, orange. I saw many color rays around them. It was vibrant and cool. My body was feeling light and much better. Hope, despite lingering pain, let them disappear. Let them die in the empty room filled with moody clouds.

• Rule breaker

  Jan 07 ⎯ “Women should learn cooking because it's their main job” For some people this quote might seem like a normal universal truth. For some people it will feel like an insulting stereotype. For me, cooking seemed interesting for a handful of reasons. Knowing how to cook gives a sense of independence. It's like crafting. A different kind of art where we don't need brush or colors or not even any kind of paper. It often gets mixed with care and sentiment. Well, it might seem like I'm a skilled cook or something. The only thing I can do with fire is boiling water. Don't think about it twice, it's not ironic. When I was thinking all about those and having random reverie sessions, I heard my mom calling. When I got down with a rush, my mom was already standing near the stairs. She looked really upset and I might know the reason why. “Come closer,” she said. I know what's waiting for me, but I listened to her commands anyway. When I got closer, she immediately landed a slap on my face. She firmly grabbed my both shoulders and directly looked at my eyes. “You're a disgrace. Don't you have shame? You're almost 18 but you don't know how to cook. Now when I'm trying fully to make your life better by teaching things, you're skipping your lessons and wandering like a dog without a leash.” Her words were piercing and while standing and pretending to listen, I was staring at the damask patterned mat. I'm not angry at anyone but society. I really hated when people acted like my future is doomed when I said I don't like cooking or don't want to take the role of a caretaker. The world might be healing but considering I live in a countryside village, it's hard to deal with it. The more they try to force me against my will, the more rigid I want to become. I returned to my room without another question. I know she is going to make me starve for the night to punish me or keep me in line. I silently came back and climbed up on my bed. My room is pretty small. A study desk and a bed and also a small wardrobe is present. Dad chose this room for me because I always liked solitude and a window to activate my inner thinker. Well, he was pretty selfish. How can he leave me here in all of that mess and join the stars? I stared at the moon through the window. A sudden chilly wind touched my skin. I shivered from the subtle thrill. I tried to become much more bold. Maybe the air was hinting me to do this. I don't care no matter what's the case or whose idea it is, I will always be the one who'll get blamed. Simply because I'm a woman. I stood on tiptoes and walked out of my room while being vigilant. I went down silently and while unlocking the door my hand was shaking slightly. I slid the door and came out of the house quietly. The air was slight but enough to give me chills. I don't know if it is because I did something against the rules or the weather itself is down. I couldn't figure it out. I'm still wearing my nightgown. It feels taboo, it feels weird. Still, I feel like the quiet breeze, the trees, mist hidden in the corner of trees are cheering me and congratulating me for doing something brave. I took a night walk alone. The light source is minimum. Just a few old lampposts barely holding their lives. When I pass through every single lamppost, I feel like they're calling me to stand by a little. They want to tell me their whole story. They want me to tell them how much they've seen. They want to show me the entire history and they want me to be free. Finally, I'm near the riverbank. The moon's reflection on crystal white water creates some silver dancing sparkle. I crouched on the ground. My hand reached for the liquid crystal with moon dust mixed on it. The water is cold. It feels soothing. I closed my eyes to feel everything. Everyone is calling me, the moon, the stars, the shimmering beauty. They want me to break the chain. I suddenly opened my eyes and got up. Wiped my wet hand by the corner of my nightgown. I started running toward home. I feel haunted and terribly lost. That's why some birds don't fly away even when the cage is open. I silently returned home. I don't know what wave is blowing inside me. It makes me feel suffocated. I wonder if I want to get rid of it or chase it? I throw my body on the bed and get lost in sleep. The next morning, my mom woke me up. My stomach is burning due to emptiness. Maybe her mind got soft. She called me to have my breakfast. She quickly urged me to join cooking classes. She warned me to stop skipping those. I was silent and processing her words. She was venting how she's ashamed to get a disobedient and ungrateful daughter like me. She gave me an example of how other women listen to their parents with zero complaints and disobedience. She made me hate myself by saying I shouldn't have a choice. Only sluts do whatever they want. Only sluts and selfish women follow their mind with no consideration for society. My mom's words were indeed piercing. Like an acute and sharp needle. It's enough to wound me but not enough to break me. There's no way I'm joining cooking classes. Learning cooking is something I have wanted since childhood. I still love it. I hate it when they force me to learn it so I have to serve a man. It's insulting, I find it really insulting. So I deliberately chose the opposite path and started walking silently. It's a countryside area. Although I wanted to continue studying, for that I needed to go out of my hometown and adapt myself to the environment of the city. It's not that complicated. I believe I can. My mom thought I'm a girl. I'm a weak and fragile creature. If in a new city people try to exploit me, who would save me? Ironic because I feel like my society will exploit me more than any drunk man could. While I was lost in thousands of words, suddenly someone called me from behind. “Luna, come here!” I looked behind and it was Samantha. I smiled and waved at her. She had a bag in her hand and seemed happy. I've known her since childhood. She was younger than me and a bright child. In school, she was intelligent and always smart. What is she actually happy about? She came to me and said “So what's going on? Where are you going?” “Just a small walk,” I replied. She seemed confused. “Did your mom allow you to wander around for no reason?” “Why do I need mom to know when I'm just simply passing time?” I replied like it's normal and nothing. She seemed unprepared for my answer and forced herself to smile. “Oh, I want to give something to you,” she said and started finding something from her bag. It was a sealed handwritten letter. I took it and she kissed my cheeks and said “I hope you and your mom will come.” When I opened the letter, it was a wedding invitation. She's getting married and she's happy about it. I felt guilty. Why do I feel bad about her when she's happy? She is young, maybe she's drowning in hundreds of fantasies. I hate the way parents used to tell us stupid fairy tales when we were kids. Maybe I'm being bitter or maybe it's because I'm a bad daughter and a bad woman. I still tried to figure it out. I'm back at the riverbank again. I'm still terrified. The thoughts I was getting were unusual. Maybe I shouldn't think about it. It's complicated to describe. There's a big tree near the riverbank. I didn't notice it yesterday due to darkness. I suspect this tree is also an accomplishment of the moon and stars who provoked a sense of ambivalence within me. Suddenly my intuition told me someone is behind me and standing there still. I got afraid and immediately turned my head. It was an old woman who was wearing some worn out clothes. Her shoes were barely usable and she was using a raw wooden stick to walk and use it as support. I heard about her from the villagers. She was a lonely woman and this is not her hometown either. Nobody knows where she came from. She hates unnecessary talk and never shares anything. I felt kinda uncomfortable beside her. I quickly got up and was about to leave. Maybe she sensed my inner feeling and suddenly said “You can stay here if you want. You don't need to feel uncomfortable. I'm just a regular here.” It's true that I didn't want to leave. It's the only area where people come less. The more people you meet, the more intoxicated you become. Staying with a lady is a better choice than that. I silently stood near the riverbank. She was also standing there quietly. After a few moments, she was the one who broke the silence. “Young lady, don't mind but isn't it unusual you're here like that?” she said. I was expecting something like that and it's valid. “I just want some peace.” “Why is this quietness peaceful instead of being surrounded by girls and family?” “Maybe because they raise a feeling inside me that I hate.” “What is it?” I didn't want to reply because the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel. I wanted to get rid of it. She's lonely and old. Maybe sharing won't hurt, right? I gathered all of my courage and started speaking. I hope I won't stutter. “Actually they make me feel weird. I don't know what it is. A mix of rage, sadness, a feeling like giving up, a feeling which gives me hope. I don't know what it is.” I realized I'm nervous. A weird force tried to grab my neck and make my words stop flowing. I looked into her eyes. She was smiling subtly and there was an unfamiliar look in her eyes. It was so foreign that I failed to recognize it. “I know what it is. Do you want to find out?” she finally replied. I was fidgeting and eager to know the answer. I asked, "What do you know?" She started talking. “When I was younger I was like you. A young girl with hopes. I was pretty and well known due to my beauty. I couldn't study much. My family thought I could easily get a groom so all they did was teach me how to be gentle and caring. I wanted to be free and I wanted to live truly. I thought I shouldn't go against the flow. Instead of resisting or running away, I chose to confront it and do what everyone wants. I married a man and promised to not be greedy. My mother taught me that a woman who prioritizes herself more than anyone is selfish. Women are meant to sacrifice. No matter how big or small the sacrifice. I was like a rock. Where they put me, how they made me, I'm always like that. Consistent and predictable. I lacked warmth. I tried to break free. It was too late. Too late to consider and too late to go back. The one who was supposed to be my other half was the biggest piece of burden that compressed my chest. I felt heavy. I realized no matter how physically strong a man is, if he lets his ego devour him, he becomes more pathetic than a mouse.” She stopped to let out a breath and looked down. I was listening to her like a possessed person. I had a feeling that I'm realizing something, realizing my desires. Quiet respect grew inside me for her. Then she continued. “Then I left him. I just wanted to be free. I left my daughter with him. I'm still conflicted whether it is a selfish decision or a good one. Maybe selfish one. She would face a life like me. I thought I didn't have any future and she would get doomed. That's why I said goodbye quietly.” I saw teardrops near her tired and senile eyes. I said, "Don't cry. We all make selfish decisions either consciously or subconsciously. Maybe some are conflicting like yours. It all depends on the lens you use to see the world. Being a little selfish won't hurt, right? After all, I'm a woman. Is it really easy for us to choose something that is uncomfortable?” She silently wiped her tears. “No matter what, you can't live a life regret free. No matter what you choose. Go against them, they'll try to make you feel guilty and fill your life with rue. Go along with them and your mind will condemn you.” Even not fully but partially, I understood what she meant. She started running her fingers through my hair and said while looking at my eyes. “You reminded me of my little daughter. Please choose whatever you want. I want to ease my burden by seeing you happy.” She left slowly after that and left me conflicted and desperate. I started walking past the riverbank. Walking and walking, I noticed some men give me weird looks while I'm stepping forward. I arrived at the plain field. All I can see is grass and a rail line. Maybe if I walk 30 minutes more I can reach the train station. I saw a train passing by. I stared at it until it disappeared. I'm willing to go forward. I want to see the world. I want to fly in the open sky and play with clouds. I considered again, should I take one step forward? Little by little, an unknown fear and hesitation took over me. I couldn't go further and eventually decided to return to the riverside or go back home. So I turned back and started walking first. Even though my plan was to sit by the riverbank or go home, I decided something that shocked me. I went straight into Madam William’s house to take my cooking lessons. It's not against my will. I'm confident now. I won't back away just because I'm afraid of a leash. Even if I get tied to a leash, I will tear it apart. So today was my first cooking lesson. It was fun, and I've never enjoyed something in a while. When I told her I really joined it today, she did not believe me at all. So I went to the kitchen and cooked what I learned today and shocked her. She was happy and gifted me a bracelet. “I hope you will keep it. I bought this bracelet from a shop and I saved money willingly to buy it when I was a teenager. Good old days,” she said while pinching my cheeks softly. I felt guilty for some unknown reason. Again, clouds of confusing thoughts started occupying my mind. I softly said, "love you mom," and hugged her to distract myself. I returned home and started checking the bracelet very willingly. It's her nostalgic anchor that she gave me. She doesn't have many things from her childhood. I put that in my bag with care. Then I remembered I have to attend Samantha's wedding tomorrow. So I grabbed the letter quickly and went to show my mom. She was doing the dishes. “Mom, Samantha invited us to her wedding. We shall attend it.” “I heard about her wedding. Her father found a good gentleman and she willingly agreed. I also heard she willingly learned all of that feminine stuff and work,” my mother said. “Mom, does work have gender?” A question slipped from my mouth and it was ready to collide with her words. Her face darkened and she frowned at me. She didn't reply and started mumbling. It was so vague that I couldn't hear what she was saying. I returned to my room wondering if I crossed the line or not. I was afraid to go in front of her for now. So I decided to sleep. I'm too afraid of the future. The next morning my mom woke me up at dawn. She seemed normal and sleep took away her anger from last night. I was relieved. She told me to join the cooking classes early so I can attend the wedding. I did as she told me. I quickly got ready and arrived at Madam William's house. She was teaching some younger girls at that time. When she saw me her eyes brightened up and she called me. “Oh Luna, you're early today. Come and sit.” I sat on the floor where other girls were cutting vegetables. “I came here to take lessons early,” I said. “No problem. I was just starting with my girls. You should start by cutting vegetables.” “Okay madam,” I agreed. While cutting vegetables I observed the girl who was also cutting vegetables with me. She seemed like someone who just stepped into sweet teenagehood. I asked, "What's your name?" She replied while keeping sharp focus on her work. “Jane. What about you?” “Luna,” I replied, and I asked, “do you also love cooking like me?” She looked at me once and again focused on her work. “No, my mom sent me here. It's so boring and I hate when I have to touch uncooked meat or fish.” “So what do you like?” I tried to make the conversation flow smoothly. “My father is a merchant. I want to be like him too.” When I was listening to her, another girl interrupted us and started laughing. “That's so unusual and ridiculous,” the girl said while laughing. I looked at Jane and she was still doing her work but she kept her head unusually down. I couldn't see her face but I knew I would see two teary eyes. I felt guilty for asking it. I really do not know my limit. I kept my mouth shut until the class was finished. After finishing work I returned home. When I got home I saw my mom was doing her makeup and she was almost finished. She looked at me and said excitedly “Luna come here. Look, I brought a shimmering light blue dress for you.” I touched the gown and the color was muted and the details were also deliberate. I really loved it. I grabbed it and immediately went to my room to change. I felt like a fairy tale princess after wearing it. Like the dreams and beautiful sparklers I kept in my heart descended into the details. I went down to show my mom. She hugged me and kissed my cheeks. Muted and soft pink lipstick and eyeshadow that matches my dress. All of these made me feel like a princess. Suddenly my inner growling ocean calmed down a bit. We arrived at Samantha's wedding at noon. It was already filled with people and the whole venue was decorated with flowers. I saw Samantha laughing. Her happiness made my heart light. She expressed how happy she is today. I wished her the best life. The happiness I saw in her eyes was pure. I wondered why. She is young and cheerful. What's so good and fun when you're ultimately ending up in prison? Maybe the definition of cage or prison is different and varies for everyone. Maybe the life I think is hell is somebody's heaven. I don't want to think about it. While I was having fun with her I noticed my mother was talking to some strangers. There was a young man beside her and an old couple. The man was looking at me. He was definitely older than me. When our eyes met he immediately looked away. I couldn't figure anything out. After the event was over I waved my last goodbye at Samantha. When my mom and I were returning home it was already late at night. She seemed happy but I couldn't figure out why. She was vague about the reason. I suspected that was related to that old couple. I avoided asking her because I was pretty sure she would ignore the question anyway. The next two weeks passed normally. I saw the things I always used to see. Nothing was exciting except those fun cooking classes at Madam William's house. The odd thing I noticed suddenly was that Jane started loving cooking and always talking to others about how fun cooking and cutting fish is. Maybe I could figure out why, but I always talked less there. I don't know why the fear of saying wrong things is tangling with me day by day. One day after waking up I got ready and was about to leave for the cooking class. When I was about to get down I saw that old couple at the house and they were chatting with mom. I immediately returned to my room. My heart was beating and I sensed something bad was about to happen. They stayed there for hours and when they left my mother came into my room. She held my hand and sat on the bed. Her words pierced my heart. “Luna, I know you'll resist this. You've grown up and you need somebody to hold your hand. That's why I've decided to find you someone. Mr and Mrs Brown's only son Josh Brown. He's an educated and wealthy guy. They're looking for someone who can take care of the family and also be timid. You're like that, right? I hope you won't hate me. The wedding is next week. I know it's sudden but they're in a hurry. It's final. I know you can make it.” Her words pierced my heart and I started shaking. I barely managed to prevent myself from screaming my lungs out. I just looked at her. Then she left. She did not ask for my opinion. I know it does not matter anyway to them. I can't stop my tears from overflowing. I cried out silently. My heart wants some escape. My mind wants some clarity. It's disappointing that I could find none. She loved me. Not the way I wanted but still she loved me. I don't want to hurt her. Should I do it or should I be selfish? I silently got out of my house like I did that day. I was walking with a blank and desperate heart which was looking for water. I arrived at the riverbank. The first thing I did after arriving was to name the area. I named it the riverbank of confusion. That suits the area best. Again I crouched down and looked at the water. The moon isn't enlightening the water with its silver aura. The reflection of the dark cloud above the sky is hiding the sparkling nature of the water and killing all the shimmer. The cloud surrounded the moon. Now the moon is in a cage. Unable to shine. I touched the water and it was cold as usual. I closed my eyes and remembered the old woman. Her senile eyes still had hope and a strong desire. My mind can't find a path. She told me to be selfish. She said we can't live without regret and unspoken desires. So what kind of rue do I want to live with? I opened my eyes and looked at the sky. I could barely see any star. Suddenly my pupils dilated. I saw a shooting star. It was beautiful. I closed my eyes again and wished that I could find a less confusing path. I cried for an hour and returned home soundlessly. The next two days I functioned barely and was always looking for a way to escape. Another night came and I went to the riverbank again. Today I gathered courage and tried to walk past the riverbank. There's only one lamppost and darkness everywhere. One step, two steps, three steps. My heart was beating but the more steps I was taking the less afraid I was getting. Suddenly I felt really light in my chest. I decided to take a sudden decision. From childhood I always wanted to be an independent woman. I don't know what a normal woman would choose when she can't either walk forever or she has to walk in broken glass for a long time. I don't want to know anyway. I choose the second path. I don't want to be a lame person. I can heal. I have already decided what I will do. I went back home. The first thing I did was to enter my mom's room secretly. She's sleeping. She's the evil mom I always loved and will always love no matter what. Distance doesn't erase love. I softly landed a kiss on her cheeks. My eyes were watery. I took a pen and paper and wrote a note. “SORRY FOR BEING SELFISH.” I went upstairs and grabbed a bag and started packing. I didn't forget to take the bracelet she gave me. I grabbed all the money I've saved and silently left the home again. While passing the door I swore I would come back and heal her. I waited near the riverbank until dusk. When I saw an orange ray I started walking and reached the train station. I don't know if I didn't ease the burden or load more for her. If I resisted nothing would have changed. She would have gotten the tag of a bad mother. So I don't have any regrets by becoming the bad daughter. We have one life. Would it be a crime if I chased my dreams and chased the white dove? The dark cloud is leaving slowly. Birds are chirping. I finally arrived at the train station and booked a seat for the nearest city. The train is running. Time feels endless. The feeling is bittersweet. It's so strange that it's easy to breathe. My chest feels light and my hands feel free. I take out the bracelet that my mom gave me and wear it and kiss it softly. I'm nervous not because I'm afraid but because I'm free to chase. I feel like a rule breaker. That's what I am: a rule breaker and perceived witch of the society I grew up in. I smiled and looked outside. My eyes were filled with white clouds. You could see thousands of stars there. I bet you couldn't finish counting. Yes that's how a rule breaker's eyes are.

  • a-story-about-feminism
  • coming-of-age
  • +7

• Endless Void

  Jan 07 ⎯ You’re running and running and running. There is no starting or ending point. Keep running. You look above and see endless floating clouds. They are like an endless mirror. When you look above, you see yourself even though you don’t see yourself. You look at the ground, and you see plain ground. Then you look left and then you look right. As far as your eyes go, you realize this weird phenomenon is just like you. It has no start, even if it does, you can’t see it. It also doesn’t have any clear end, even if your vision isn’t strong enough to see it. It’s like a giant mirror where you can see your reflection. Instead of thinking about your appearance or aesthetics, all you care about is desperately finding the start and end of the void. It’s uncertain, and the tension is making you desperate. The tension is making you panicked, and you’re sweating to cope. Girl, just scream as hard as you can, even if you can't hear the echo here. Because it's only you and the endless maze. Your shoes are wearing off, and your legs are shaking. You call those familiar names desperately: Diana, Megan, Sophia, Ava. Suddenly, you stop. Your legs are shaking badly, yet you somehow manage to hang on and gather your last physical power. You hear something foreign, and it’s pleasing. Well, even though it’s mixed with despair and hope. You hear a familiar laugh of the person whose name you just thought of. Then you realize they are just being themselves. They aren’t looking for you or searching for you. They are just being themselves. You don’t know where they are or how to beg them to show you direction and make you feel relieved. Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your knee. You have fallen on the ground on your knees. It is bleeding red, but the bizarre part is you did not realize how your legs acted without will. Now your legs stop working, but the panic and weird urge are telling you to keep going. Now, after preparing your mind, you start crawling. Your chest is burning from friction. Your skin cannot hold it. For the past 24 hours, you’ve been seeing the same sight. The same sky and the same ground are all you have. Your legs are completely numb, as if they’re not part of your body. Suddenly, you fall facedown. After being numb for seconds, you realize the only thing in your body that is willing to work is your hands. The panic is so insane that your eyes widen, and you groan and scream your lungs out. The silence makes your brain even more desperate, and intrusive thoughts start piling up. Again, a miracle happens. You hear Ava laugh. Again, you scream, and as a reply, you get Megan’s happy scream. That makes your brain go crazy, and the fear of missing out and frustration make your intrusive thoughts stronger. You either want to rip yourself apart or want to take Ava and Megan’s happiness. With all the bottled up rage, you have to go forward. Now all you have are your hands. By using them, you start dragging your whole body. Time is passing, and your energy is now almost over. Your eyes are barely open, and you are fighting to keep them open and energetic. More hellish hours pass. You have done so much, yet you are still in the same sky and ground. Suddenly, you see your vision getting narrow, and all you see is white smoke. Yes, smoke. More smoke, more smoke. You start sobbing, but it’s all in your head. The body is so fragile that crying feels like lifting the Earth on your shoulders. All that’s left to do is watch the surreal smoke devour you slowly and gently. It’s confusing whether the weird phenomenon feels gentle because it really is or because your body can’t feel the brutality. Now your eyes are barely open, and random, vague, and liminal thoughts start occupying your mind. Are you in this state because you pushed yourself too much, or is it your mind? Did you run, or is your mind playing with your thoughts? Did this smoky situation start a few hours ago, or was it forever? Is it you or your mind? Some serious and confusing questions never have a start or end, just like your mind and you. You don’t know where it all started or where it will end. Your eyes are closed, yet it all feels like ending where you started.

  • #endlessvoid
  • #imagery
  • +4