The shadow

  It was a new moon night. The night was unbearably silent. The sound of wind passing sounded like a cold whisper. I was in my room. It was black, and no light source was present except for one single candle. I was breathing fine, yet I felt breathless. My legs were shaking, and my mind was telling me I would lose control at any moment. While I was fighting with some invisible demon, I faintly noticed a shadow outside my window. I was struggling with myself and couldn't focus on the figure properly. I gasped and passed out. When I woke up, it was already morning. The sun was yellow and warm. A spark of sunray fell on my face. My head was dizzy. I couldn't even think about what had happened yesterday. My memories acted like distant fog. I woke up and went outside. The neighborhood was quite empty. None lived there except some senile seniors. It was one of the underprivileged areas. I had ended up there because it was my grandparents' house. They passed away when I was 14. I vaguely remembered all of that. I also remembered that I had no other close person in the world. My beloved son, wife, and daughter had left me in a car accident. They had left me in silent agony. I closed my eyes and started walking. I saw that Mr. John was watering his vegetable garden. He smiled at me. That was the best part of this neighborhood. They made me feel like everyone was my family. I smiled at him back and started walking quietly. The whole neighborhood seemed dead. I saw Ms. Rachel's personal nurse passing by. After walking a while without any destination, I saw something near the park. A black dog was barking near a small bush. I got curious about what this little buddy had found and got closer. I heard a faint and timid sound. When I looked closely at the bush, it was a kitten. By instinct, I drove the dog away. The cat was still afraid and timid, unsure whether it would stay in the bush or do something brave like coming out. I gently tried to approach it. It was still unsure and meowed at me in a scared way. I couldn't believe how devoted I was to making the cat feel at ease around me. I was there for literally an hour. Finally, the little kitten came out of the bush, and I gently grabbed him. He had hazel eyes. The marble-like eyes and soft ginger fur made him look ordinary yet majestic. I took him home and gave him a sweet shower. We were strangers, but he was quite an obedient little boy. After a simple meal, he was sleeping so peacefully that it made me yawn. I didn't realize when I drifted off. When I woke up, it was already night. I was still sleepy. I had forgotten to take my meds, and after taking them, I went back to my room. Because I didn't have any electricity, the whole room was dark. Suddenly, I tripped over something and fell face down. A groan slipped from my mouth. I gradually got up. I sensed something different. My head felt light, and the night felt familiar. It was so familiar that I panicked. While gasping, I started fumbling around in the dark for the candle. I usually kept the candle and the lighter in the same spot. It made everything worse. I started stumbling and seeing weird patterns in my eyes. I heard a vague sound near the window. Again, the gasping and panic got worse. I started staggering while moving forward. When I got near the window, my eyes were about to pop out. I saw the weird shadow again. So I decided to deal with this.I started walking toward the door. You couldn't call it a walk when my steps were clumsy and embarrassing. I grabbed a dagger from the table. I barely opened the door. The shadow was suspiciously calm. I cried out and started running toward it aggressively. It's embarrassing to admit that I tripped on a stone. I grunted and started twitching in pain. I was so focused on myself that I didn't notice it was really close to me. The shadow crouched down near me and was watching me in a calm manner. It was so close that I froze for a moment. Adrenaline flowed aggressively inside me. I groped in the dark grassy ground to find the dagger. What was the point of being physically strong when these weird things kept happening to me? My body was weak and shaky. The shadow grabbed my hand and suddenly yanked me up. I was still shaky, and she grabbed my waist, wrapped my left hand around her neck, and started walking. She took me inside my house and almost pushed me onto the couch. When I barely managed to look in a stable manner, I noticed she had already lit a candle. In the faint light, I could see the shadow of a girl. No wonder when I touched her neck, it felt gentle, and when her body was against mine, it was smooth and slender. I started muttering some nonsense words. She suddenly sat close to me. She was holding a glass of water. She poured water on my head, and I could hear her voice. It's strange that it felt like the voice was coming from inside my head. She said two words: “WAKE UP. WAKE UP.” I didn't know what had happened in the middle of all of this, but my senses returned when I felt something on my chest. I carefully opened my eyes, and it was the kitten. He was chilling and looking at me while sitting on my chest. I gently put him down. I needed a quick shower because of the unpleasant odor of sweat. It was present to remind me of all the messes I had gone through last night. I couldn't focus. The girl seemed young. Maybe 26, or maybe 28. Her voice was soothing. Why was she there in the middle of the night? All I could remember about her was her wavy long hair, soft voice, and obviously her touch. She reminded me of Fiona, my wife, for some weird reason. I went outside for two reasons: I had to find the girl and buy some groceries. She was maybe new there or had moved there recently. It was hard to believe someone from outside would come and wander there randomly. Did she know me? Why was she so calm and staring at me through the window? Her presence made me feel restless and anxious. I decided to look for her first. I even asked Mr. Bob, Ms. Marina, Ms. Katherine, and Ms. Elena. They were confused. I even peeked in random windows for some clues. All I got were weird looks from people around me. I was quite disappointed. I brought some groceries and returned home. The cat was sharply focused on a little mouse. He looked like a hunter on a hunting spree. He jumped straight, but the target was smart and agile. The little mouse outsmarted him. I smiled at his failure. He needed food and training. I relaxed on the couch after giving him some food. I had nothing to do for now. It had been a year since I had quit my job. I had tried to continue it and barely survived seven months. So it had been approximately one year and seven months since they had left me. I am barely coping nowadays. Although I needed a doctor to help me, I needed to minimize the trauma and despair. He visited me once a month. Now, to get some little quick pennies, I often tried to sell my drawings. I had made plenty of them, sometimes about love, sometimes about disgust. The silent and intense nostalgia tried to strangle me. I grabbed a book and tried to concentrate. My day was going to pass like that. After reading for hours, I got bored and made dinner for both of us. I watched my new pet restlessly playing around the house. It was true that he made the house feel alive a little. The night came, and I ignited my only light source. Again, the whole world got quiet. Ginger's hazel eyes were glowing in the dark. He was also quiet. I took my meds to calm my nerves. The kitten quietly climbed onto the chair and sat on my lap. I ran my fingers softly through his fur. We both fell asleep. I felt a warm breath near my ear. Someone was calling me. “Mr. Brown, wake up. It's me.” I didn't want to wake up. I muttered, “Go away.” “It's me fi—” “Fiona.” I abruptly opened my eyes and scanned the whole room. She was here. She had broken into my house. “Who are you?” I said harshly. “Why are you acting like this, Mr.?” “I asked you first.” “Talk to me nicely if you want to know,” she demanded calmly. I tried to calm down and stand up. I was feeling a lot better than yesterday. I noticed my cat was gone. I wasn't in the mood to find him. I needed to know why she kept coming to me every night. I asked her nicely, “Tell me about yourself.” She softly grabbed my wrist and looked directly into my eyes. Her features were soft and delicate. She had round eyes and an oval face, just like Fiona. “My name is Fiora.” “Fiona?” “No, Fiora. Ends with ra,” she corrected me. I knew I was being delusional. I was far away from Fiona. She couldn't be here. She grabbed my hand and took me out of the house. We were together under the sky. “Let's sit,” she said. We sat on the open field where the grass turned into something ethereal when the moon blessed it with moonlight. Another thing that looked surreal and exotic under the moonlight was Fiora’s eyes. So fierce and piercing. I could tell I wasn't attracted to her in a romantic sense. I could tell something about her was devastating and magnetic, like an addiction you can't quit. “Do you not really remember me?” she asked in a poor voice.  “I mean I really don't,” I answered hesitantly. It made me feel guilty.  “Well, I was always with Fiona. I used to play with her. I used to tease you too. Don't you really remember?”  I stayed silent. I had nothing to answer.  “Okay, I know what you've been through and how hard it was. I'm really sorry that the lie kept you this broken.” She paused and looked at me to observe my reaction. I was puzzled by her words.  “What do you mean by lie?” I asked curiously.  “You know what… what they said to you was deceiving. Do you still feel the warmth of Fiona? She was cold despite her warm wine-red hands. They deceived you. She couldn't betray you. Your family loved you. Don't you think they're not this selfish or cruel to give you this hard hellish torment?” Her words were still vague and cryptic, but I couldn't help but agree. I knew them well, and I knew they loved me as much as I did. So they couldn't be this selfish. I looked at her eyes and silently prompted her to continue.  “They are waiting for you. Don't listen to the ugly world. The world wants you to suffer. I'm here to tell you and say what they wanted to say. They want you. They're still here. They're so close that you couldn't imagine.” It was like finding a little piece of amber in a world of ash.  “Can you tell me more about them?” I asked, my gaze filled with unsure optimism.  “They are together and happy. Not quite, although. Without you, they can't be happy. Look at the sky. A moon and countless stars. The star has spark and passion. Look at the moon. It's also pretty. Do you realize the moon's calm and serene light is just deception? It's terribly lonely. Desolation is devouring it, and yet people think it's the symbol of romanticism. I believe if there were a second moon, it would be independent and alive.” I knew what she meant, and I was also irritated by her melodramatic and cryptic words. Still, I trusted her. She silently signaled me to return home. She told me to sit on my chair. I did as she said. She landed a kiss on my forehead. My vision narrowed. I watched her with my tunnel vision, and she faded away in the dark. The next morning, I discovered my cat was back on my lap. My sleep had been interrupted by a continuous doorbell. I checked the date. It was already January 20th. My therapist was visiting today. I prepared myself for some annoying and nagging questions. I hated him, but without him, my trauma would come back. I opened the door and politely welcomed him. After some small talk ritual, he started showing his real self, asking how I felt nowadays and if I missed my wife. I carefully answered with fully committed dishonesty. Then he wanted to check my meds so he could prescribe new ones. For the whole time, I felt like he was part of the deception. The world could lie, but Fiora never. So I avoided letting him know that my wife was fine. When he was checking my meds, he gave me a weird look. Without saying anything, he gave me new meds along with the old ones. After he left, I cursed him in my mind. I had wasted my time and energy. I went into the basement to find the trunk where I used to keep my old paintings. Ginger quietly followed me. When I opened the trunk, thousands of memories filled my mind. I grabbed a painting I was about to sell. I named it “Man in Distress.” I painted it during my worst month. I had been almost like a mentally unstable person. I didn't want to keep these memories anymore. I got ready and went outside to sell it. It took me five hours to sell a single painting. I went door to door, telling the thrilling backstory behind the painting. Maybe I was just an average bohemian. That's why it took so long to find a single client. The price he offered was average. I agreed without bargaining. When I returned home, my cat welcomed me with a warm body rub. He started playing and jumping around me. I played with him for a while. Now he was the only family member I had. I couldn't let him go at any cost. I made a sweet dinner for both of us. After having his meal, he went straight to my bed to sleep. He could use it. I slept either on a couch or on a chair anyway. Then it was time to take my meds. I found something unusual. If we combined the new ones, it would be a total of six different kinds of meds. I took only five and couldn't find the last one. It made me anxious. I believed it was one of the best meds. I felt light and relaxed after taking them. It was strange. I searched the whole room but couldn't find it. I was quite sure he took it. He was an evil person all along. I couldn't believe I had been taking those meds prescribed by him. Maybe it was the reason why my love was away from me. Maybe it was the reason why I felt silent despair even after months. Out of anger, I threw all of those meds outside the window. My mind told me to burn the whole world. The meds had been quite expensive. I would have to spend a good amount of money after this. I waited for Fiora. The night grew harsh and colder. I didn't see any shadow or hear any whisper. I was concerned why she wasn't coming. Anxiety grabbed my neck and twisted it. The whole night passed like that. It was only me and darkness. I watched the morning without sleep. My eyes were red and dry. I loved my cat, but that day was unusual. First, she didn't come, and second, my meds were gone. His voice seemed so annoying that I threw a lamppost out of anger. He successfully dodged it. I was ready to leave the house with some saved money. When I returned home, I was tired. Ginger wasn't there to welcome me. Was he still mad at me? For a quiet apology, I brought some catnip. I looked for him, but he was gone already. I didn't want to stress myself. I returned to my bedroom and took my meds. All my fatigue disappeared instantly. My anxiety was also gone. I went to the living room and sat on the chair, waiting. When I was climbing down the stairs, I saw the shadow again. I got really excited and almost ran down. Our eyes met, and she smiled instantly. We completed our usual ritual, and I vented for hours. I also expressed my worries about losing my cat. Fiora seemed aloof about it. “Well, you should stop worrying about a mere animal. It got afraid of you and is gone,” she commented.  I didn't like her opinion. What did she mean by a mere animal? Sometimes she acted weird. She left early that day. After she was gone, I searched the whole neighborhood late at night. I knew what I was doing was ridiculous. It was my fault that the kitten was gone. At last, I couldn't find him. I returned with lots of disappointment. She used to come every day. I saw her during the daytime too. She stayed at my house and told me lots of stories about my kids and my wife. I listened eagerly. I was worried about the cat. After a few days, I realized she was right. A mere animal meant nothing to me. My longing to see them grew stronger day by day. I also realized that without the extra meds prescribed by the satanic therapist, I felt happier. I didn't go outside much. It was like I was disconnected from the whole world. Now my life feels wrapped with honey wax. Just me and Fiora. It wasn't exactly Fiora that I liked, but her stories. Her words were mesmerizing. I always wanted to tell her to take me with her, to take me where my world existed. I wanted to hear Fiona laugh and Jack and Jessica giggle. I wanted this so badly. The Last Night of Desolation My intuition kept telling me that all day. It was May 4th. It was the night when they had left me. They played a cruel game of hide and seek. It wasn't their fault, I believed. It was 9 PM when I saw Fiora walk in. That day she didn't welcome me with a warm smile. She didn't hug me or take my hand. I sensed a change. Her eyes had a weird look that was foreign to me. So unsettling and strange. For the first time, I didn't want to be with her. I wanted the morning to come. What was the point if the morning came? It was all plain and underwhelming anyway. I felt trapped for the very first time. She would console me, and I was aware of it. She was good at doing it. “Brown, are you sick today?” She silently slipped her hand through my fingers.  “No, I'm not,” I replied dryly.  “I don't want to remind you of those bad memories. Do you remember what happened today years ago?” I closed my eyes, and all I saw was blood. An ocean of blood. I grabbed my collar tightly. A hand that was bathed with wine. A hand that gradually turned cold. Slowly and silently, I opened my eyes. She tightly grabbed my hand. Slowly, she came closer and put her head on my shoulder.  “Do you want to calm yourself down?” She slipped something into my hands. I took a look at the thing, and it was what I take every day.  “How do you know what I take?”  “I know everything about you. Did you forget?” I quickly took some pills, hoping it would help me calm down. The bottle of meds slid away quietly. I started venting randomly.  “Do you know how I spent my years? My friends are gone too. They are irritated by my behavior. They think I'm ruined. How can I pretend to be normal when I'm not? Is wanting to vent a crime? Is it too hard to listen? The world is too big. I met many people. I connected with many people. No matter how close they were, I didn't actually feel close. What's the point of living? Maybe the world abandoned me long ago. What can I do?” I said in a hopeless way. She consoled me.  “It's true the world abandoned you. I and Fiona never would. Listen, you have to go back. They are waiting for you. We will go back. Do you trust me?”  “Yes,” I said naively and without any second consideration. It was like a little child getting some candy. She hugged me tightly. For some weird reason, I couldn't feel her. Despite her presence, I felt truly alone and haunted. Then she let go of me. I waited for her to speak. She was like a silent sea. From the faint candlelight, I clearly saw that her eyes were soulless. She was blankly staring at the ceiling. When she looked at me, I knew what she wanted to say. I was excited. I got up and started walking while she stared at me. For the last time, I kissed her on the forehead. I was moving forward. Each step felt like going thousands of years ahead. The echo of my footsteps was too loud. I looked at her again. She was now grabbing the empty bottle of meth. Both of my life savers were now together. I laughed at my own humor in my mind. I saw ivy leaves dancing. Soft, green, and with the fragrance of hope. I was getting numb. In my tunnel vision, I watched the darkness go away. I heard Fiona laugh and the addicting sound of her heels. Click clack, click clack. I heard my beloved giggling. Yes, I saw them. I was running towards them, but it felt like I was floating. Red, pink, orange. I saw many color rays around them. It was vibrant and cool. My body was feeling light and much better. Hope, despite lingering pain, let them disappear. Let them die in the empty room filled with moody clouds.